Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
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Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Trying
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them