Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
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I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
The big book of baby names but for safe words