Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
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Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Oh yeah that’s it
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
😂😂😂
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode