“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
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“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me