“What’re you in for?” “I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it.” “We’ve all been there, brother.”

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Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump


Black magic is kinda racist, but it’s better than nigga wizardry


*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*


*underlines it*


I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters


I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.


When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”


Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.


Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.


You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.