@tastefactory

“What’re you in for?” “I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it.” “We’ve all been there, brother.”

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@danwlin

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

@treywafer

Black magic is kinda racist, but it’s better than nigga wizardry

@ParasiteHilton

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

@imdaintyaf

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

@apok842

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

@Cheeseboy22

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

@myonlymizztake

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

@Daveastated

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

@Tups13

You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.