4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
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Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
this could fix me
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.