“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
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Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
same bro
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*