What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
You Might Also Like
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
getting corrected
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
an airline just for babies.