@BeingTwiter

What’s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common??
.
In each scenario, there’s a dumb guy who didn’t take it out in time.

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@Just_Lee_

Don’t say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.

@TheGoodGodAbove

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

@aotakeo

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

@artcarlson

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

@BunAndLeggings

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

@PimpBillClinton

The replacement refs pulled a @KimKardashian last night (screwed 53 rich black guys at the same time).

@Goldishocks

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

@MaryJustice86

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”