[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
You Might Also Like
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Sing it!
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*