“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
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*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?