@OutrageousM

“What’s a good gift for someone who has everything?”

Meth. Next year they’ll have nothing it’ll be easier.

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@mrjohndarby

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

@Kamikaze_Blonde

Sure your baby’s cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

@RandomRamblr

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

@amydillon

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

@SuperApple80

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT TO KNOW IF YOU REALLY PLAN ON WEARING THAT

@abbycohenwl

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here