What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
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Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Steam Forums
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!