What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.