What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
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I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please