EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
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gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.