@KevinFarzad

What’s being in love feel like? You know when someone cancels plans you wanted to cancel anyway? Almost as good as that.

You Might Also Like

@WilliamAder

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

@BoogTweets

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

@elisemarie91

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

@Twitmytweeties

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

@Mr_Kapowski

[magician rolls over in bed]
“Last night was amazing”

Woman: Magical. Make me breakfast?

Magician: [waves magic wand, eats her]

@AGStr8upNinja

If only people were named after their tattoo’s.

This guy standing in front of me in Petro Canada Would be named Machine gun-Snake-Jesus.

@AnniemuMary

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

@johnbiehl

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now