What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
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Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Before & after 😅
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
first you must answer his riddles
why am I working on Labor Day
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The Book. The Movie.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this