What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
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ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
mmm onion ringos
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
How to properly lift a body
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work