@BlackCatBettie

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

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@TheOnion

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

@jergarl

I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.

@BillMc7

Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn’t think of this.

@heyitsJudeD

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

@thejacquio

Turns out if you scream for no reason long enough, you get the rest of the day off from work.

@rickolantern

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

@lucascomedian

I am so sorry to hear about your grandma… I know what you’re going through my phone dies all the time.

@Storminika

Me: ‘Why are you going through my phone?’

BF: ‘Do you have something to hide?’

Me: ‘I’m gonna have a body to hide if you keep it up.’