What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
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Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Brother?