What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

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Research shows your medication is 879% more effective if you drink a 6 pack and a bottle of wine first. Also, I changed my name to Research.


[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]


[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic


I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.


Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…


A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.


scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god


ratatouille this and ratatouille that what about some respect for my friggin girlies


WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down