@outsmartedmommy

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

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@ThisOneSayz

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

@_stylr

20 years of House Hunters and Hugh Laurie is still alive and kicking. Thank god they don’t seem to be very good at it.

@rcromwell4

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

@AimeeHelene1

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

@CopBroughtPizza

todd: *sobbing uncontrollably*

me: relax it was just a little earthquake

todd’s wife: he’s an etch-sketch artist. it was everything he had

@LizHackett

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

@Kryzazy

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

@b0dymassage

“HELP!” Joe pants.

“WHAT IS IT JOE?” I belt.

“I THINK SOMEBODY SWITCHED OUR ARTICULATORY VERBS WITH CLOTHING WORDS.” He cardigans.

@drhappyknuckles

Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.