Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
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20 years of House Hunters and Hugh Laurie is still alive and kicking. Thank god they don’t seem to be very good at it.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
todd: *sobbing uncontrollably*
me: relax it was just a little earthquake
todd’s wife: he’s an etch-sketch artist. it was everything he had
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
“HELP!” Joe pants.
“WHAT IS IT JOE?” I belt.
“I THINK SOMEBODY SWITCHED OUR ARTICULATORY VERBS WITH CLOTHING WORDS.” He cardigans.
Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.