Research shows your medication is 879% more effective if you drink a 6 pack and a bottle of wine first. Also, I changed my name to Research.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
Thought I heard clattering
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
ratatouille this and ratatouille that what about some respect for my friggin girlies
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down