What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
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For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?