what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
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You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Same pineapple, same
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies