“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
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Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.