Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
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“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Who is the idiot that called it “possession of marijuana” and not “joint custody”?
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?