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Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
just gave your address to some spiders
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”