@squirrel74wkgn

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

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@Cpin42

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

@portmanteauface

2000: the line outside the club last night was so long I tried to slip the guy at the door a 20 to get in

2020: the line outside the grocery store this morning was so long I tried to slip the guy at the door a 20 to get in

@CynicalTherapi1

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

@prufrockluvsong

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

@tuckerflodman

[CIA]

-We need you to kill the leader of Russia.

“I’ll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!”

-Alright! Who invited PunMan?!

@ranndrew

“How much do you love me?”
Count the stars in the sky and that’s how much I love you
“But it’s so cloudy”
*pats her on the head*
Yeah I know

@StansaidAirport

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

@WildeThingy

I’m white and my wife is black. I’m trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that’s how they are made

@mommajessiec

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.