‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
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ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
That’s amazing.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
yeah no that’s fair
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I think that’s enough internet for one day…