I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
[helping my kid with contractions]
Her: Would have
M: Nice. I’ll
H: I will
M: Good. Won’t
H: Won not
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.