@sock_holliday

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

You Might Also Like

@VodkaTiem

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

@TheAndrewNadeau

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

@Try2StopME

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

@TasiaBass28

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

@daemonic3

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

@Metalligretch

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

@Mr_Kapowski

[helping my kid with contractions]

Me: Would’ve

Her: Would have

M: Nice. I’ll

H: I will

M: Good. Won’t

H: Won not

M: Excellent

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

@Gupton68

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

@mdob11

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.