What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
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5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
May have had one breakfast too many
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?