What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
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DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed