@TheBoydP

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

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@nopoweradeinusa

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

@PunLovinLad

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

@robots_feel

god: these are humans

angel: how do they work?

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…

@MandiAtRandom

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

@3sunzzz

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

@skittle624

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

@daemonic3

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

@Love_bug1016

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

@KevinFarzad

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u