What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

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parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide


The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard


god: these are humans

angel: how do they work?

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…


A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words


My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!


State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.


It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?


therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no


MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u