What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
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Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
When you’ve simply given up.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Become ungovernable.