@TheBoydP

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

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@Parkerlawyer

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

@TheBoydP

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

@Gilapfeffer

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

@HenpeckedHal

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

@_elvishpresley_

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

@Sickayduh

Even the most racially sensitive person you know gets a little skeptical when the chef at a Chinese restaurant isn’t Asian

@Doublelife64

Me to 4 yr old niece:
your shoes are on the wrong feet
Niece looks down and says:
I don’t have any other feet

Outsmarted again.

@UnFitz

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

@NikatNiteNite

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

@RandomAntics

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.