What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
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Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,