What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

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trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.


Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security



*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.


Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.


Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?


Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn’t break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.


*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going


At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.


what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????