@BatBatshitcrazy

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

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@hazelsheart15

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

@Its_Just_Reese

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!

@daddydoubts

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

@Thrill_Tweeter

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

@itshotterhere

Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn’t break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.

@Brampersandon_

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

@PinkCamoTO

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

@Beatonm5

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????