What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
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Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss