@BatBatshitcrazy

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

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@simoncholland

Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again

@muffathukka

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

@sophielou

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

@darksidedeb

A giant lizard rebuilds Japan and the moonwalks into the sea. #ReverseAFilmPlot

@BigPlanetEarth

People are like books. You can’t judge them by the outside and it’s not cool to burn a big pile of them.

@Scdavis24

Tip Of the Day: You can easily avoid bruising your thigh by not staring at a female jogger and then walking into a fire hydrant.

@yayalexisgay

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

@Marlebean

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

@andyerikson

Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?