What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
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Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
#Caturday
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts