What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
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A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why