What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
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When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.