What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
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I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes