@WilliamAder
@DistractedMomma
Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are.
– Me, to myself, when I’m fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing.
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@DistractedMomma
@EliTerry
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
@Uzzywuzzy
Twitter is a beautiful place sometimes.
@wokkax3
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
@malt_skull
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
@Reverend_Scott
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
@LurkAtHomeMom
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
@ShortSleeveSuit
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
@hyperblastchic
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
@ThugRaccoons
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?