What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

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HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud


The worst thing about middle aged dating is you legitimately don’t know if you’ve been ghosted or the object of your affections has just died.


According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later


ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening
GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot


I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown


The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.


Not to brag but this time I checked to see if there was paper on the roll BEFORE sitting on the toilet


when someone you thought looked great for 50 announces they’re 41 there is no way to unfurrow your brow in time