@WilliamAder

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

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@thetits

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

@flowersofmyself

The worst thing about middle aged dating is you legitimately don’t know if you’ve been ghosted or the object of your affections has just died.

@tayandmae

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

@InternetHippo

ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening
[flashback]
GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot

@amelianashh

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

@oothikicha

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

@allyneedy

Not to brag but this time I checked to see if there was paper on the roll BEFORE sitting on the toilet

@not_delicate

when someone you thought looked great for 50 announces they’re 41 there is no way to unfurrow your brow in time