What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

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Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are.

– Me, to myself, when I’m fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing.


Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.


You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look


INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me


Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”


If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.


HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit


Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat


KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?