Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@shutupmikeginn

barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

@thetits

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

@flowersofmyself

The worst thing about middle aged dating is you legitimately don’t know if you’ve been ghosted or the object of your affections has just died.

@tayandmae

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

@InternetHippo

ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening
[flashback]
GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot

@amelianashh

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

@oothikicha

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

@allyneedy

Not to brag but this time I checked to see if there was paper on the roll BEFORE sitting on the toilet

@LBelle1

My purse is deeper than some people.

@not_delicate

when someone you thought looked great for 50 announces they’re 41 there is no way to unfurrow your brow in time