Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
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Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.