Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
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brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
[dead at the bottom of the pool in a mermaid outfit]
him: *sadly* it was supposed to go over your legs
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, “why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?”
She called and said she didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I agreed with her.
Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?
Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer