“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
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Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Sending in my taxes
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering