@dadopotamus

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

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@stanleybehrman

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

@MarfSalvador

[dead at the bottom of the pool in a mermaid outfit]

him: *sadly* it was supposed to go over your legs

@li4mst3w4rt

alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, “why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?”

@TommyKarate

She called and said she didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I agreed with her.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?

Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you

@Holy_Mowgli

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer