@dadopotamus
@stanleybehrman
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
You Might Also Like
@stanleybehrman
@zoebread
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
@Mr_Mike_Clarke
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
@MarfSalvador
[dead at the bottom of the pool in a mermaid outfit]
him: *sadly* it was supposed to go over your legs
@PresTightrhymes
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
@woodmuffin
@li4mst3w4rt
alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, “why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?”
@TommyKarate
She called and said she didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I agreed with her.
@DaddyJew
Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?
Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you
@Holy_Mowgli
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer