“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
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Roses are red, you always mattered,
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.