What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

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when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.


2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.


If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.


ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no


Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard


All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work


My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.