You want to sext?
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
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Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Ladies I’ll drive you crazy with my tongue
*Never shuts the hell up*
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
ME: If you had the Sorting Hat on, which Hogwarts House do you think you’d be assigned to
DATE: Idk, none of that is real
ME: I bet I’d be in Hufflepuff
ME: Do you think Snape’s clothes were soft
DATE: I gotta go
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…