What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
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Deer are just ballerina dogs
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*