@Smug_Lemur

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

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@CruisinSoozan

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

@sofarrsogud

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

@so_amused

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

@NotPeterStark

Ladies I’ll drive you crazy with my tongue

*Never shuts the hell up*

@Skoog

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

@TheBoydP

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

@

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@Home_Halfway

ME: If you had the Sorting Hat on, which Hogwarts House do you think you’d be assigned to
DATE: Idk, none of that is real
ME: I bet I’d be in Hufflepuff
DATE: Okay
ME:
DATE:
ME;
DATE:
ME: Do you think Snape’s clothes were soft
DATE: I gotta go

@TitansHomer

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…