What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
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Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.