what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
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If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.