What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
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lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
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Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’