@jwoodham

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

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@tastefactory

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

@cupcakelynda

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

@Buffalojilll

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

@allthenachos

An online dating service but to match you up with prospective burritos.

@AndDesist

I regularly have gold plaques and 1st place ribbons made up for my liver so it knows just how much I appreciate all it’s hard work.

@TheDizzyBeauty

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

@Laser_Cat

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

@CyrusMMcQueen

Now I see why they call it your better half… My wife just stopped me from microwaving a plastic container… did not know you were not supposed to do that… And apparently you shouldn’t use hot water to fill up the ice tray either… Been a LOTTA lectures in my kitchen tonight

@Playing_Dad

Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween?
Dog: Sure, put it on
Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*