What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
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Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
WHO DID THIS?
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?