bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
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*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Eat 70,000 small meals each day to keep your metabolism going strong.