What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
You Might Also Like
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My neck, my back, my…
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.