“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
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one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
coworker: What did your wife get?
Wife: um our son has drawn a picture of Batman and Spider-Man beating someone up
Me: Oh no that’s so wrong!
Wife: I know!
Me: You don’t mix up Marvel and DC
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.