@tastefactory

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

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@JaisaMarie123

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

@Boo_berries_

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

@BwanaChris

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

@FeralCrone

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

@iwearaonesie

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

@thedad

Wife: um our son has drawn a picture of Batman and Spider-Man beating someone up

Me: Oh no that’s so wrong!

Wife: I know!

Me: You don’t mix up Marvel and DC

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

@wittwitbarista

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.