whats that detective, the serial killer is in the mall? i’ll hack into their security cameras real fast
[types “job openings” into google]

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(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.


The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.


Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.


30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.


I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.


man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single


[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.


I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.


Surgeon: *puts mask on my face* count backwards from 10

Me: 10, 9, 8, I’m scared?

Surgeon: *whispers* You should be

Me: Wha *passes out


God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)