@QwertyJones3

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

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@RocketRankoon

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

@SondraDeeMe

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

@dlicj

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

@Jenn_H_Scott

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

@audipenny

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

@JPLFR80

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

@Diane_7A

The closest I’ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.

@BuffaloHomo

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

@missmayn

My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:nnNice to everyone’s facenUsually wear deodorantnThin cheese slicernnThat took four hours.