What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?


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My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.


ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.


[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey


It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb


I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me


My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.


Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…


The closest I’ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.


Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.


My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:nnNice to everyone’s facenUsually wear deodorantnThin cheese slicernnThat took four hours.