What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
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When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.