#SCOTUS one-star review
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recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.