What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
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i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.