What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people