@iQuoteComedy
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@Darlainky
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
@ArfMeasures
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
@MelvinofYork
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
@rickkondell
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
@meringuetang
Star Wars 1-6: you can use the Force sometimes but it’s really hard and requires years and years of training and still might not be there for you when you really need it
Star Wars 6-9: you can learn to use the Force in an afternoon
The Mandalorian: babies use the Force
@colesprouse
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
@mommajessiec
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
@junejuly12
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
@simoncholland
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.