“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

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Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky


….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.


How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.


[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please


SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?


SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it


Me, a magician: we never reveal our secrets

Him: no seriously where is my insulin


Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.


Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?



Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?