“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
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Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
The Birdles
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”