TSA: do you have anything to declare?
Me: *grabs the agent by the hand* I declare a thumb war
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
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Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Asking someone out is so unpredictable. You never know exactly how they’re going to say no.
*Uses the 5 second rule with soup*
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
‘Nothing like a real book’ I say
‘The scent, pages between my fingers- cracking the spine!’
My tree girlfriend’s parents sway uncomfortably
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.