What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
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Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
@funTweeters I am at your service….
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
The days of good grammer has went
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Squirrels before girls.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine